How to Calculate the Carbon Tax

The following is from the Courier Mail, 19 Jul, by John Fegan.

One 44 gallon drum of camel fart methane, washed, sorted and stamped with appropriate health warnings is added to a cubic metre of Bowen Basin coal and chemically fused.

This mixture is then weighed by the Department of Camel Fart Watch, expressed as a fraction against the supply-sided monetarist index and the sequestrated Dow Jones and expressed as a coefficient tangential to the J Curve.

The resulting figure is then aligned with our closest neighbour’s currency, the Indonesian rupiah and the New Guinea cowrie shell and integrated into the Hang Seng, The One Hung Low, the NASDAQ, the Paddy Whack and the Nicky Nacky Noo, cut into 10 roughly proportionate pieces and immersed in boiling oil.

This figure will then be referred to as the Surplus Funding Applicator or SFA. The SFA is based on the Hebrew cubit and rod system and closely allied to the Armenian shekel. It embraces all accepted Australian terms of measure – smidges, bee’s dicks, tads and country miles. It is always expressed in running writing so accountants and brothers-in-law can understand it.

The SFA is now an internationally recognized measure and ratified by the IMF, the MBF and RAAF but totally ignored by the US, Great Britain and China. A large Labor government department will now multiply this figure by the rise and fall of the left-hand ball, divide it by Julia Gillard’s inside leg measurement, add the age of the third son of the current Government Whip, present it to a focus group and divide it by six, resulting in a figure of 3/5ths of the aforementioned SFA, which I think is about all we can expect from this Government.

I do, however, think there is merit in exploring camel fart home heating.


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